Why are we “should-ing” all over ourselves?

Women have a very unique superpower. They are excellent at making themselves feel inadequate by thinking that they “should” be doing something that so called ‘society standards’ tell them they “should” do (or be, act like, wear or have). It’s not a superpower that generally works in their favour and some women [and men] do not realise how strong their superpower can be.

For example, if you believe the scuttle bug, a woman must keep an immaculately clean household. Her windows must be clean, her surfaces not dusty and her floors buffed and polished at all times. It must appear that she maintain ‘display home’ quality at ALL times in case those unexpected visitors should ever pop by unannounced. Yet, the reality is that homes are meant to be lived in. They WILL get grotty and you don’t always have the opportunity to tidy up or vacuum as regularly as you “should”, especially if you have children or pets.

So why is it that women continue to think they “should” and how can you break the cycle?

There are many reasons why women use their “should” superpower. One reason can be that the images and messages that flood the [social] media and are constantly in their faces portray unrealistic stereotypes as to what they “should” be doing. Another reason is that there can be scientific or medical research insisting that “should” you live a certain way, you will (or won’t) be better off. A third reason is simply because we can place very high expectations on ourselves (sometimes a little too high?) and we can sometimes struggle to achieve these high standards. There are many other reasons why we “should” all over ourselves. These are just a few of the main reasons.

I want you to do this little exercise with me. You may need a pen and paper. I want you to write down 10 things that you feel you “should” be doing or have. You can write more than 10 if you feel the need. Start each sentence with “I should…..”. Here’s my list for you as an example (in no particular order):

1. I should exercise more.
2. I should lose weight.
3. I should sleep more.
4. I should own my own house in Brisbane.
5. I should have substantial money in the bank for a rainy day.
6. I should be a morning person.
7. I should get married.
8. I should have children.
9. I should respond to all my emails and social media messages on the day that they are sent to me.
10. I should always have a clean house and do all my housework myself, including mowing the lawn, grooming the dog, washing the car, and pruning and weeding the garden.

How did you compare? I would imagine that about a third of your list agrees with mine. If not, I’m sure you have some just as substantial “shoulds” feeding that superpower of yours and making you feel inadequate in some fashion.

The only way to break the cycle is to just stop it. Stop imposing these “shoulds” on yourself. Who said you have to do/have these “shoulds”? Where is the rule that says the sun won’t come up tomorrow if these “shoulds” are not achieved? The answer is no-one and nowhere. Stop “should-ing” right now!

That might sound easier than it is to do. This is because we have conditioned ourselves into thinking this way. But just like we have conditioned ourselves INTO thinking it, we can consciously practice and condition ourselves OUT of automatically thinking this way.

The next time you find yourself “should-ing”, I want you to stop and think, ‘What’s the worst that can actually happen?’ If the worst that can happen if your house isn’t immaculately clean and tidy at all times is that it remains untidy for a little longer, then does that really matter? Sure, it might annoy you, but does it really matter? If the worst that can happen is that you keep renting for a little while longer, does that matter? Not at all. If the worse that can happen is that you are single a little longer, is that the worst that can happen? Of course not! Trust me, your visitors will not care if your pillowcases are not ironed! They may care you haven’t got a bottle of wine to drink, but not about your un-ironed pillowcases (ha ha).

Now if the worst that can happen is something that DOES matter, then that’s different. That is when some action is required and you need to do something. For example, does it really matter if I don’t go and pay my rent? Well, yes actually. It does. Therefore the action required is to organise the rent to get paid. You may need to prioritise and other things that don’t matter might get pushed aside so you can take care of the things that do matter.

How do we take the power back?

What I want you to do now, is go back through your list. Circle all of the ones that do actually matter and that do require genuine action. How did you go? I bet you circled less than 3! Decide on your actions and actually carry them out.

With the ones you didn’t circle, these are the ones where you have imposed “shoulds” onto yourself and where your superpower is in full swing. To deactivate that superpower, you simply do what I mentioned above and identify the worst that can happen. If it is of little consequence and no action is required, then we let it go and we give our time and energy to the things where action IS required. Why waste time and energy on something that “should” have no power in our lives?

Lastly, keep practicing this deactivation strategy. You have spent much time developing your superpower and you cannot expect to be perfect at deactivating it upon the first attempt. It takes practice to undo old thinking and for new thinking to become second nature. It’s easy to forget new strategies. Come back and re-read this blog or re-visit your list if that helps you to remember what to do.

Talk to me…

How did you go with your list? What sort of things were you imposing on yourself? How many of your 10 things actually require any immediate action from you? I’d love you to let me know in the comments below how you scored. Perhaps you have another method for deactivating that superpower? Feel free to share it with us. The more strategies for deactivation, the better!